It's been a little over two weeks since my father passed away. It's hard to believe that time passes so quickly. I am back in my routine with the kids and normal life. Most of the time I just go through the motions but my mind is somewhere else. I guess I keep myself busy to avoid the loss of my dad. But there are always those moments where it all catches up to me. The image of seeing his face when he died seems to haunt me. Then there are those happy memories that flash back to me and it either makes me smile or cry. There is something missing and I think there always will be.
As for my MS, that last flare up took a toll on my left hand and torso. The tingling tightness is still there. I am hopeful I will regain the full use of my left arm but sometimes I have my doubts. It's still hard to type, write, and just plain everything which I try to do with my left hand. I get aggravated and upset with it sometimes. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like pins and needles, like when you sit on your leg awhile and it falls asleep. Then there's that constant feeling of tightness like when you stretch a rubberband to its maximum width. The medicine for it does help a bit but it makes me feel high. I hate that feeling. I don't like the feeling of not being in reality. I try to go without it but then it gets so bad that I give in.
It scares the shit out of me. It scares me to think that I will keep having numerous flare ups and the effects will be permanent. I go to my MS specialist soon and I believe I will start the infusions. I hope this med will work for me. I started taking natural supplements too. I researched them a lot to see which ones might have the best benefit. I know my doctor only recommend the Vitamin D supplements but I have to try something, anything that might help. I listen and follow all the doctor's instructions but it just isn't helping at this point. I will continue to listen to him but I need to try everything I can to stop this disease from taking away or limiting my bodily functions.
Honestly, I am so tired. I am so tired of fighting this disease. I am so tired of the steroid blasts and meds. I am tired of my body being broken. I don't know how I keep pushing on each day but I do. I just make myself. Actually that's a lie. I push on for my boys. I don't where I would be without them. I just keeping praying and hoping that this MS doesn't wreak more havoc on my body. Just keep hoping and praying. There still is the glimmer of hope even when I just want to give up. I still feel that speck of hope and see it shining through the dark. I rely on that, I need that. Sometimes it seems so close that I can grab it and everything will be ok. Other times it seems so far that I have to squint to just get a glimpse of it. But it's there. I wonder who keeps it there for me? God? Myself? Either way I am grateful for it. I guess never underdestimate the sheer power of the human spirit and will. It can be mind-blowingly awesome that evven we, ourselves, can't grapse it!